Brad Pitt
via GQ Style

Following his divorce last September, Brad Pitt opens up for the first time about dealing with his breakup with Angelina Jolie and fatherhood, among other things.

In a coverstory for GQ, the 53-year-old actor admits to drinking daily since college and how the split has changed him. Today, he says he drinks cranberry juice and fizzy water.

“I do remember a few spots along the road where I’ve become absolutely tired of myself. And this is a big one. These moments have always been a huge generator for change,” Pitt tells the mag. “And I’m quite grateful for it. But me, personally, I can’t remember a day since I got out of college when I wasn’t boozing or had a spliff, or something. Something. And you realize that a lot of it is, um — cigarettes, you know, pacifiers. And I’m running from feelings.”

“I’m really, really happy to be done with all of that,” he continues. “I mean I stopped everything except boozing when I started my family. But even this last year, you know — things I wasn’t dealing with. I was boozing too much. It’s just become a problem. And I’m really happy it’s been half a year now, which is bittersweet, but I’ve got my feelings in my fingertips again. I think that’s part of the human challenge: You either deny them all of your life or you answer them and evolve.”

Later in the piece, Pitt admits that he hasn’t been a very good father to his children, but realizes it now and wants to do better.

“I grew up with a Father-knows-best/war mentality—the father is all-powerful, super strong—instead of really knowing the man and his own self-doubt and struggles. And it’s hit me smack in the face with our divorce: I gotta be more. I gotta be more for them. I have to show them. And I haven’t been great at it.”

Read the full piece over at GQ.com.