Ronda Rousey
via PedroGaytan / CC-BY-2.0

Since suffering her first loss last month, at the hands of new UFC women’s champ Holly Holm, Ronda Rousey has been quiet. But, finally breaks her silence.

The MMA star covers ESPN The Magazine’s “Ideas of the Year” issue, in which she opens up about the knockout heard around the world… for the first time.

“It might be three to six months before I can eat an apple, let alone take an impact,” Rousey tells the mag. “I’m just really f*cking sad. I need to come back. I need to beat this chick. Who knows if I’m going to pop my teeth out or break my jaw or rip my lip open. I have to f*cking do it.”

Later, she discusses her performance against Holm, saying she’s “embarrassed” about the whole evening.

“I got hit in that first round. … I cut my lip open and knocked a couple of my teeth loose. I was out on my feet from the very beginning,” she explains. “I wasn’t thinking clearly. I had that huge cut in my mouth and I just spit [the blood] out at my feet. Then they brought the bucket over and I’m like, ‘Why didn’t I spit it in the bucket?’ I never spit on the ground. It was like a dumbed-down dreamy version of yourself making decisions. … I was just trying to shake myself out of it. I kept saying to myself, ‘You’re OK, keep fighting. You’re OK, keep fighting.’ I just feel so embarrassed. How I fought after that is such an embarrassing representation of myself. I wasn’t even f*cking there.”

ESPN The Magazine’s “Ideas of the Year” issue hits newsstands on Friday.