Lately, I’ve spend a lot of time pondering the question, “Who are the best brothers?” Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Dude, that’s pretty racist.” But rest assured that I’m talking about real, biological brothers, and it’s only a coincidence that these thoughts coincide with the end of Black History Month.
As we saw with the Oscar success of “No Country For Old Men,” people love brothers. Brotherhood is the ideal upon which this nation was founded. I mean, think about it: there’s a reason why Jesus said, “Love thy neighbor as thy brother.” If he had said, “Love thy neighbor as thy sister,” people would always be acting really catty and slinging hurtful remarks. Brothers are respectful dudes and that is why everyone wants to be like them.
In hip-hop, there’s a rich history of brothers who have beheaded that green-eyed monster called “sibling rivalry” and gone into the biz together. Here we honor them, along with some other brothers who have exhibited great compassion, talent, and humor over the ages.
BallerStatus.com presents… THE BEST BROTHERS
Master P, Silkk the Shocker, and C-Murder: Back in the day when No Limit Records meant something, these brothers held it down. Silkk’s rapid fire flow and Percy’s early odes to ignorance made for classic material. I guess you could say that C-Murder was the rogue element who dragged the Miller Bros. down, but he is also sort of cool, albeit cool with an asterisks. (Just as people who do steroids cannot be considered the best athletes, criminals can only be considered conditionally cool.)
The Isley Brothers: These brothers are so smooth, they could double-team a girl and write a song about that, and still no one would ever stop to think, “Wait, that’s actually kind of gross.”
The Mitchell Brothers: Not to be confused with Phil and Grant off Eastenders, Tony and Teddy Mitchell are some of the flyest brothers in the UK. (Note from Pants: Teddy and Tony are cousins, but the brothers from another mother rule applies)
The Clipse: Have any brothers ever sold as much crack as Pusha-T and Malice? Probably, but none are as good at rapping about it. These are the hardest brothers out.
The Brothers Karamazov: From Russia with love, brother.
The Brothers of the Nation of Islam: These guys were pretty funny in Fear of a Black Hat. I’m not sure what else they’ve been in.
Russell and Joseph Simmons: No matter how many things Russell does to make himself look like an asshole, these two are undeniably influential brothers. Rev. Run raps and Russell handles biz; this is a master class in how to run an effective corporation of brothers. Plus, anyone who watches “Run’s House” knows that the Rev is paying it forward by raising the next generation of funny little brothers.
Arnold T. Pants and Gritz: It is pretty much an undisputed fact that we are the best brothers to write for Ballerstatus.com.
The Kray Twins: By far the most gangster brothers.
Domnique and Gerald Wilkins: Basketball-playing brothers are a dime a dozen, but these two brothers are sort of the gold standard as far as I’m concerned. One was sick at defense, one was sick at dunking. Beaucoup props to these brothers!
The Wayans Brothers: This family has so many damn brothers, but these ones really hedged all their bets on the fact that they were brothers, which I respect. At the end of the day, they are some pretty funny brothers.
The Allman Brothers: My dad rates these brothers, as do many older white dudes.
The Outthere Brothers: Boom boom boom, these brothers make me want to say way-o, WAY-O!
Band of Brothers: Is this a band made up exclusively of brothers? If so, it is probably awesome, like the Jackson 5 and Hansen.
Honorable Mentions: Cheddar and Happy Will, Brother Mouzone, the O’Bannon brothers, Gary and Phil Neville (mostly because their pops was called Neville Neville), T.Wise and Guy, Chazzy K and Tales of a Suburban Youth.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: DUDES WHO ARE NOT ACTUALLY BROTHERS
When I found out these people were not brothers, I cried for two weeks.
Phonte and Big Pooh from Little Brother: Big Pooh is too wack not to be family.
Keenan and Kel: Little and large is a great comedic concept. I know these brothers, and one is significantly larger than the other. Unlike Keenan and Kel, they are hilarious. And, real brothers.
Kanye West and Jay-Z: Kanye really threw me for a loop with all that “Big Brother” talk. Is he saying “big brother” in mentor type of way, or a semi-homoerotic/faux-incestual way?
Bubba Sparxxx and Haystak: Being fat white rappers from the South, these dudes would appear to be related. How many others of their ilk are there? Hmmm… memory falters at Lil Wyte.
Avon and D’Angelo Barksdale: Dee is actually Avon’s nephew, the son of his sister. I guess that’s why one has the heart of a G, and one just had mad heart.
Sam Cassell and Lil Wayne: However, it is possible to argue that both descend from Martians.