Mumbo Jumbo: Deadly Fat Asses, Missing B-Ball Player & Turkey The New Drug Of Choice

I know you guys missed me Friday. Although I've only been doing this column for two days, I already see some familiar faces. LOL @ T-dot for suggesting a "bulge check." Yall is funny as hell! So I'm going to be writing this column three days a week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If you really start to demand more, I'll lace you with something extra. I encourage your comments. I encourage you to say something. I suggest that you NEVER take anything lying down with your ass in the air. Male or female. Question everything you hear and challenge everything you know and seek the truth because the truth always comes out. It's just the question of who will be the brave soul to do so. I also warn you that a lot of my topics of discussion will be hearsay. The other half will be opinions, mixed in with facts and history that again, I suggest you investigate for yourselves.

Enough with the disclaimers and onto the JU-ICE

I'm in Miami for the holidays. My girl's family is down here and I just can't seem to find the strength to deny an opportunity to come to the Yayo even if it is to spend the majority of the time with her naggin ass mother. Hmmm. I hope she don't get that from her mama because that would be such a shame. LOL. Hopefully everyone's too enthralled in the holidays that they won't keep tabs on my writing. But just in case, "I didn't mean it baby!" Yeah the coochie is that good kids! Find you some.

ARE THE BALLS TUCKED, TAPED OR TAMPERED WITH?

Last week, I put you onto Sonia the Tranny (see "Mumbo Jumbo: Hip-Hop & Comedy; Sonia The Tranny") and many people were really pissed about it. Well, let me just tell you that it's becoming more and more common that men date transvestites and have no clue until it's too late. BULDGE CHECK Crocodile Dundee Style! In this celebrity's case, the story has a twist. The guy likes the fact that his chick's got a dick. Check it out.

KANYE CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON THE PEOPLE

Man, it was really sad but at the same time uplifting to see Kanye West breakdown on stage during a performance (see "Kanye West Breaks Into Tears Onstage; Funeral Services Scheduled This Week"). The audience was chanting "Kanye" and "Stronger." Even though I'm an asshole, I still got tear ducts. They were almost getting a workout, but nah. LOL. It was hot to see the fans show him so much love and support, and even hotter that West feels that secure with his following that he can rely on them to truly make him stronger when he's at his most vulnerable. That took a lot of guts for someone who wears pink Polo's and Swatch Watches. Catch the video footage again if you didn't see it.

On the flipside, did yall know that Kanye's mother's plastic surgeon is of African American decent? See that's where she went wrong. The wise choice would've been an Asian. They're good with precision and calculations. We're good at basketball and rapping. Face it.

POT BURGER?

A Mickie D's manager was selling more then Happy Meals at a drive-thru in Haverhill, MA. This 18-year-old kid had the ill system going on where not only could customers get their munchies, but they also could get some WEED! Damnit why couldn't have I been that lucky to stumble upon a McCheeba? Anyway, cops caught up to him and shot the whole operation down. They're back to nuggets and burgers. OH! PS: Burger King's chicken tenders are sick! Whoever told them to make them into the shape of duck feet is a freak! I guess they're supposed to be crowns, but with so many frequent inquiries about what's in the mystery meat, it's probably not the best look to have em molded from Daffy's foot!

Jay Casteel knows I'm not buggin! Holla at the editor people! Let em know how we're doing.

It wasn't Alicia's fault!

Alicia Keys had an album release party last week in New York City at Pacha, but she never made it inside the club. The word on the street is that the promoter (Stroke of Genius) who put this together and brought it to the club and TalkofNewYork.com staff, stiffed the club owner, disappointed anxious fans and upped the cost the night of by $4,000!!! She was supposedly getting $15 G's for the appearance already. Her friends and family even a 9-month pregnant woman waited hours inside for the diva, but she never came in due to the confusion. I'm hearing she personally had nothing to do with it, but rather Stroke of Genius' dealings with her management team. Stroke supposedly had his chick collect the money and then they bounced. Left the regular night promoters dry, with no Alicia and no doe! In the meanwhile, Jeff Robinson (Alicia's manager) claimed he had no idea of the the details of the event and that he was completely unaware that she was even getting paid. If that was so Jeff, why didn't you send her in? If money wasn't an object, why let down tons of fans that paid $25 bucks each to see superstar? Definitely seems like there's way more to the story, but what's done is done. Hopefully she will redeem herself. Even still, emails have been sent warning all industry taste makers about Stroke of Genius' sneaky and underhanded tactics and even Wendy Williams mentioned it on air!! Stroke of an ass whoppin is more like it! Shout out to Eddie Shades at Talkofnewyork.com, who was definitely outraged over the matter and upset because now his credibility is questionable when it comes to booking celebrity events. I'm sure you're gonna be good, E! Everyone knows you're parties are always hot!

Pro-basketball Player goes missing in the land of big bundas!

Brasilia, Brazil. Tony Harris returned to his team in the capital of Brazil on October 31st. That was the last time he was heard from. He has a 9-month pregnant wife in the States and she's not quite the looker. Yes, I have taken into consideration that she's pregnant, but listen, my girl looked hot up until the time I saw her coochie split open like a clam in a pot of boiling water. I looked at the vagina in a whole different light after that. That thing is a monster! Yikes! Anyway, they say if you go to Brazil, you won't want to come back because the women are so exotic and gorgeous unlike any other country in the world. Also, there's close to 200 million people in Brazil with approximately 660,000 infected with HIV/AIDS. So if you do decide to take your chances, don't play Russian roulette with your dick, make sure you bring tons of American brand condoms. Mess around and wear a coconut milk condom if you like! Wake up with a whole new world on your penis.

Back to the missing person's story. So Tony Harris, at the most awful would be that he may have been a victim of a kidnapping, hoping for a ransom, which is quite common in Brazil with tourists in particular. Or the worst case scenario is that he's already dead. But, let's just hope he's shacked up with a few bad joints, having his last hooray before his new baby comes. His wife looks pretty naggy too lol, like my girl's moms! You decide: (WATCH)

RAPED THEN WHIPPED? WHAT CENTURY ARE WE IN?

See this is exactly why these Islamic extremists need to go to get their asses kicked. A Saudi woman and her boyfriend were gang raped. Yeah, you heard right. The couple, together, was sexually assaulted in Saudi Arabia and under their laws, women are not allowed to be alone with men that are not closely related to them without any exceptions. The two victims were simply "talking" in his car when they were attacked by a group of men. According to Amnesty International, women have been subjected to this type of chastisement more then men. She and her boyfriend were sentenced to public lashings. He got 90 lashes while she received 200 because basically she didn't go easily. Her lawyer challenged the verdict and attempted to appeal and drew media attention to the case. What kind of shit is that?! That makes me want to go over there and make the whole Middle East into a giant parking lot. I wouldn't doubt it if those men felt like they were taking the law into their own hands and upholding the goodness of Allah. Sick!

Shout out to Green Latern and Lenny S for giving us the official R.O.C. Stars street leak mixtape featuring new exclusives from Hov, Kanyeezy and Beanie Sigel. Go cop that!

FEED YOUR BRAIN TRYPTOPHAN! STAY TRIPPIN OFF THAT TRYPTOPHAN!

Ever wonder why you get so sleepy after a big Thanksgiving throwdown? Well, turkey has an amino acid called Tryptophan, which gives you that sleepy feeling. I always thought it was because I ate so much that I had nothing else to do but knock out, but there is actually a whole scientific explanation giving by HowStuffWorks.com. Check it out:

Imagine if it was against the law to eat turkey and drive, LOL. I wonder if any automobile accidents that happen on Thanksgiving or Christmas have to do with that natural sleep agent? I can just see cops now with Turkey Breathalyzers, LOL, like "Sir, your 10 lbs. over the legal limit of turkey consumption."

Turkey does have the makings of a natural sedative in it, an amino acid called tryptophan. Tryptophan is an essential amino acid, meaning that the body can't manufacture it. The body has to get tryptophan and other essential amino acids from food. Tryptophan helps the body produce the B-vitamin niacin, which, in turn, helps the body produce serotonin , a remarkable chemical that acts as a calming agent in the brain and plays a key role in sleep. So you might think that if you eat a lot of turkey, your body would produce more serotonin and you would feel calm and want a nap.