The Garment District: Weekly Drop's Rob Heppler and Pants Talk Back To School Fashion
Monday - September 24, 2007By: Arnold T. Pants
"Back to School" is one of the best movies of all time. For those that don't know, it features Rodney Dangerfield as a father realizing his priorities and stepping away from his successful fat and tall clothing business to spend time with his son and get an education. Hilarity ensues, obviously, and the film has some of the best lines in cinema history. "What's the best part of having kids?," why "making them" of course! Rodney shares this gem with a cop after he is caught snooping around a sorority peeping some naked chicks in true 80s comedy fashion. "Back to School" was also filmed on the campus of my alma mater, Wisconsin, so each time I watch it I get a little nostalgic and remember the times I used to get fresh with my hands at Amy's (and roughly 29 other bars).
Like Rodney Dangerfield, I get no respect. So rather than bore you with more stories of school life, I have enlisted the help of the world famous Rob Heppler to introduce the years best back to school garms. Rob is fresh off a modified world tour that took him to fancy Islands full of WASPs and the City of Angels... not once but twice! He is also a noted blogger and arguably the world expert in being AWESOME. In the following interview, you will learn about what's new and Rob also answers a few questions that I stole from my favorite children's television program, "POP WORLD." You may wonder, isn't it a little too late to celebrate back to school? No. In our family, nobody got fresh until their birthday, and today Gritz turns the big 2-4, so in honor of my brother, and in ode to the lost ig'nant columns from HHC... here is a little guide to back to school via Mr. Heppler.
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Pants: So, you were at Agenda, what stood out?
Rob: The free drinks, and the size of the trade show... nice and small, like Jeff Carvalho's confidence.
Pants: The back to school Nike pack is shit, what are some better options?
Rob: Jordan 8's, Visvim. I'm going to bring Boat Shoes back, remember tying the laces in those knots like nooses?
Pants: I'm so ahead of you, I've been having visvim boats shoes (the hockney)! Where is the strangest place you have ever put your finger?
Rob: I remember in about 1st grade, I had a bunch of baby turtles, snapping, spotted, painted, musk. One of the painted turtles died, so I buried it in the back yard in a shallow grave. The next day I was wondering if maybe it was just sleeping, so I dug it up to check on it. As I was searching I saw the baby turtles head peak up through the dirt as if it was trying to get air! I was surprised to see it was alive, but quickly realized its protruding head was a reaction to me putting my finger directly through its soft decomposing shell. I was wearing my dead baby turtle like a ring, I think I cried.
Pants: Are crew necks the new hoody?
Rob: Crew necks never went away. Do you remember when zip ups were cheaper than pullovers? That's because nobody fucking wore them... who needs a freezing cold zipper stinging their chest when you hastily throw it on because her "boyfriend" came home.
Pants: Why are really tight jeans "street?"
Rob: Mostly because the kids that wear them are used to lying knocked out, in the street.
Pants: What's harder (in terms of toughness, not sexual innuendo), a full Dickies suit or a Millwall fan?
Rob: I will vote for the full Dickies suit. There is nothing like a gangster that is ignorant enough to engage in violent crimes, but smart enough to throw together a decent uniform.
Pants: Who has the best fitted this fall?
Rob: CONCEPTS! Well... HUF will always win the fitted game, so the battle is only for second place.
Pants: What is a must have for school this year?
Rob: GARDASIL!!!
Pants: Once a girl had sex with me on the grounds that I was wearing evisu jeans (this was in 2000), what will drop panties in 2007?
Rob: iPhones and a Chanel J12 watch. Proven fact.
Pants: When I was in the 7th grade, this girl named Sierra Curtis returned to school after a healthy summer. I said, "Hi, my name is Pants, if you like I will help you adjust to your new school." She said, "Fuck you asshole, I sat next to you in math class last year." Undeterred I asked her to be my lady. Do you have a similar story?
Rob: I used to put roses in girls lockers, and they would try to find out who did it. Then someone would always snitch me out, "the fat zitty kid did it," and I would say, "Those aren't zits, they are TICKS!" Fucking jocks. Then that TV show the bachelor stole my rose idea, I'm actually in court about it currently. My first sexual harassment case was 9th grade, I remember the words "hands on your own body" being used.
Pants: Pencils or Pens?
Rob: Pencils. Way easier to draw dicks with.
A final note about school: Always remember that even the lessons you dislike the most will prove useful in the future. It's fun to do some stupid things when you're young, but balancing foolery with hard work in the classroom makes life much easier in the end. Get a good jump on your classes, and remember just because a teacher is bad doesn't mean the material is worthless.
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