Hello, and welcome to the "Situation Room" with Wolf Gritzer. Here's the "situation": I have recently started a job in which I spend 'nuff hours in front of a computer screen every day looking at things on the Interweb. Here are some highlights from the Week in Hip-Hop.
Guinness? Mine's a Pint!
So I'm sure everyone saw Lil Jon's "Crunk Ain't Dead" chain, which got a shoutout from the Guinness Book of World Records as the "largest diamond pendant" in the world. It weighs in at 5.11 pounds, stands 7.5 inches tall, and includes 3,756 genuine round-cut white diamonds set in 18-karat yellow and white gold. By most accounts, it is pretty wack, much like its owner. Anyways, Akon has now come out and said he is working on a piece that will knock Lil Jon out the box:
"I got this one piece that definitely will tear the whole game up; it covers my whole stomach. It's the continent of Africa and the diamonds actually light up... It's crazy. And the country where I'm from has a little lightbulb that constantly flashes. Mine weighs about 10-to-15 (pounds)... Once I show it off, I'm gonna auction it off and all the proceeds are going to go to my foundation." – Akon
There seems to be something tragically ironic about depicting Africa in diamonds, but perhaps the foundation will offset the ill effects of this decision. I've always thought Akon had the dopest fashion sense in the game, a little more subtle and refined than his contemporaries, so this seems out of character. But what the fuck do I know, right!?!
If I ever procure enough cake to freeze my neck like Demolition Man, I will get a cup of loose diamonds like Paul Wall, but it will be shaped like a pint of Guinness. Either that or a Nintendo controller.
For the record, the Garment District firmly believes that Ben Baller has a bigger chain than Lil Jon. It is shaped like the state of California, has blue diamonds where the ocean is, and a huge rock to represent LA. We saw it at Magic in Las Vegas and it was awesome.
I Get You That Shit That Gretsky Be On
Not to bang on about Lil Jon, but who knew this dude was an NHL fan?! I find this somewhat hilarious, and the pictures of him "meeting" the Stanley Cup are purely jokatory. I think he was trying to put that on his neck! I recently saw the Stanley Cup at the Hock Hall of Fame in Toronto, where I embarrassed myself trying to convert a powerplay on a Virtual Goalkeeper. Impossible!
I guess the NHL has this celebrity blog series on its site, but the "celebrities" include people like the bassist from Nickelback and WWE wrestler "The Edge." Strangely, all of the blogs are moderated by the hottest cougar around, Christie Brinkley. Lil Jon has a blog on the Atlanta Thrashers which is surprisingly not hilarious, but he does talk about how his son rollerblades. Don't let Cam find out!
Wayne's World
Not a day goes by without some Weezy news. He is like the Iraq of hip-hop. And much like the real news, I'm having trouble keeping up with Wayne. This week I've been listening to "The Drought 3" mixtape, from which I can recommend his very strange interpretation of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" and a tremendously dope verse on "Upgrade U." I also came across his "love letter" to Ciara (bizarre) and heard a verse where he says, "I'm the Olympics," but I can't remember where. This causes me to think that he has been swaggerjacking off my comment board, as my man T. Honka B'Wonk and I have been using the Olympics as a synonym for "good" for a minute now. This developed from a time when B'Wonk was exceedingly faced and asked me "Are the Olympics good?" for no reason. To be honest, we spent much of our time in college inventing remedial language patterns and yelling things at our classmates out of boredom. It was sort of like the hyphy movement, only less lucrative.
Wayne speaks weirder than anyone I've ever seen, not just in his raps, but in general conversation. I find it slightly worrying that I appear to be on the same "wavelength" as him RE: the Olympics. At any rate, I am looking forward to the forthcoming "Wayne's World" DVD, where he will chat more bollocks. Take it back to Nagano '98!
They Give Me Crystal Meth and E-tabs, I Said NO, NO, NO!
I was amped to see that Pharaohe Monch has come out of hiding to drop a freestyle on Amy Winehouse's "Rehab." (I guess he also has an actual album out called Desire, but I haven't had time to peep yet). Internal Affairs is still one of my favorite albums and I'm sort of confused about where the dude has been. Unfortunately, I can't say that Pharaohe kills this track, but he spits a few good lines about celeb-whores like Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan getting wasted. To be honest, I think Eminem would have absolutely massacred this concept.
On a side note, I'm a big Amy Winehouse fan, but why are bamas on the net charging $250 a ticket for her show in New York!? The hype machine in scenester music these days makes everything not fun. Give me a ticket, someone.
It's funny that her name is Amy Winehouse, and she is actually an alcoholic... It's like if my name were "Internet Gritz." Or if my name were actually Gritz...
Who Invented the Remix? I Don't Know, Bobby Moore?
More "This Is Why I'm Hot" remixes keep popping up every time I turn on the Internet radio. I can't keep track of them all, but I was happy to finally hear the R. Kelly/Twista Midwest version, in which the R says something along the lines of, "Girls say I'm good on the mattress / From the hood, but I be pokin' these actresses." The notion of "poking" girls is amusing to me, as is the phrase "beef curtains."
Anyways, all this hullabaloo over a terrible song has caused me to wonder what is the most remixed song ever. I used to assume it was either R-ruh's "Thoia Thoing" or Busta's "Touch It," which has like seven versions. "Touch It" may still have the most remixes that feature the original artist. Interestingly, Busta said he was going to jump on the "This Is Why I'm Hot" beat, but thought it was getting played out and opted for Ciara's "Promise" instead. Read about all this and more at the official Wikipedia page for the song, which you can assume is at least as true as this blog.
Also, be sure to check out this very amusing graphical analysis of "This Is Why I'm Hot" executed by some dude at the Village Voice. I was straight up gassing when I read this, and it had nothing to do with the Tex-Mex I had just eaten!
Does hip-hop need a governing body to keep track of stats like "most remixed song"? I hereby nominate Jay Casteel to head up the committee.
I Got Herpes and the HIV, Homey, I Juiced New York, New Yooooork
Speaking of records, has any one reality TV show ever spawned as many offspring as "Flavor of Love"? On a similar note, has any human being ever spawned as many offspring as Flavor Flav? After New York, the queen bee of fake-tittied bitches, lost "Flavor of Love" season one, she was brought back in the middle of season two, made it to the finals again, and then lost again. Subsequently, VH1 gave her a show of her own, "I Love New York." And now, all of the broads that Flav peaced out are coming back for "Charm School," where they will learn to act in a civilized manner and once again come face to face with... New York!?!?
Most likely none of you dromes care at all about terrible reality TV shows, but I just think it's insane that this woman has now scored four reality shows out of losing her first one.
Thank you for tuning in to the "Situation Room" with Wolf Gritzer. Remain gilla, fellow humans.
Editorials & Columns Hustle Harder: Travel Arrangements Recently I traveled down to Washington D.C. to participate in an event called the "Million DJ March," and I realized ... full story
Digg It
Del.icio.us
